December 5, 2018
If you want to have sex more often, meditate. Say what?! The image of a stoic, cross-legged person suddenly leaping up, tearing off their comfy clothes and tackling their stunned (yet probably delighted) partner isn’t exactly commonly associated with mindfulness. Well, perhaps it’s time to change that. The proposed effects of meditation on the body and the mind have implications for both your interest in making love and your sexual pleasure itself. So that weekend silent retreat or weekly MBSR class can improve your sex life, if you want it to.
October 19, 2018
Today I want to talk about the greatest couples apology template I can offer you. A simple 3 step process for apologizing to begin the healing process in your relationship. Click here to watch the video now.
September 11, 2018
Summer is a state of mind. This video is all about how summer spices up your love life and how it doesn’t have to end there. It’s about prioritizing your lover life. Click here to watch the video now.
July 3, 2018
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages.
Here’s my diagnosis: Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?
June 21, 2018
I love to watch people touch the ones they love. When I witnessed the birth of my beloved friends’ daughter, the most poignant moment was watching the first-time father tear his shirt off and hold the minutes-old infant to his bare, receptive chest. Skin on skin, heart to heart. At our best, we intuitively use touch to span the distance between us. Two separate bodies and minds, me and you, become an “us” when we embrace. That which is broken—a promise, a skinned knee, even a heart—is coaxed toward fullness again in the incubator of a loved one’s arms.
Since touching each other brings a multitude of emotional, physical, and social health benefits you’d think we’d be cuddling all the time. Yet our culture is touch-deprived.
May 3, 2018
This morning I awoke feeling peaceful and happy. I smiled as I listened to the singing birds. Then I heard the revving of a garbage truck. Leaving. I turned toward the man I love and snapped, “Arg! You forgot to take the garbage out AGAIN didn’t you? You’re so lazy!” I jumped out of bed, grabbed the mutts and headed for the beach. I glowered at the overflowing trash cans, blaming them for not strolling to the curb. Then my angelic tufted-toed orange dog saw another canine. Instead of a wiggly hello, she barked and lunged. Like mother, like daughter.
Let’s face it. Sometimes, despite the hours logged on the cushion, despite the meditation retreats, and certainly despite our best intentions, we don’t handle relationship conflict well. I’ve written a lot about how mindfulness makes us better lovers. But can it make us better “fighters”?
May 2, 2018
George was missing. The Disneyland hotel bed was crisply made but my sister’s security bear, loved and nuzzled into a sheepskin sphere with one weird glass eye, had vanished. A frantic call later, the smiling concierge appeared and placed a freshly laundered koala blob back into the waiting arms, and heart, of a tiny blonde girl. She slept, content, wrapped around her fuzzy friend.
It’s endearing, isn’t it, when a child needs a stuffed toy to feel safe. Until the tantrums start and the kid can’t calm themselves without it. We adults are no different. Hey, we all want to feel safe and secure. That’s why we fall in love. Except sometimes falling in love makes us feel scared, not safe, and we act like a nutcase—wracked with insecurity and fears. Why?
May 1, 2018
Three days a week, I trot up the cement stairs that separate my home from my office. I switch on the kettle and check that the Kleenex box is full. Next, with the ocean reflecting blues and grays on the window, I sit with my palm on my heart and reflect on love and happiness. And then I welcome the first couple of the day.
“He never opens the car door for me anymore,” Desiree gripes. “Yah?” Scott huffs. “Well she says I can’t get a motorbike, and then yells because I don’t feel like some big anniversary party.” She shoots back, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” And so it begins.
March 4, 2018
Love boredom runs rampant both outside and inside the bedroom. And while it seems like a mystery – how the thrill doesn’t last forever – there is a simple, and correctable, cause.
The romance didn’t pack its black lacey self up and crawl out the bedroom window – you stopped making loving effort. Your neglected romance got kicked into the corner of your closet, sharing space with the lonely unmatched socks who are missing their mates as much as you are missing yours. You lost that loving feeling because you got complacent.
February 13, 2018
This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
Have you ever had an orgasm while meditating? One of my students reports that her inner peace sometimes comes with a side dish of Oh My! She worried that she was weird, and asked “isn’t mindfulness about, well, the mind? Why do I get turned on?” As a sex therapist and meditation teacher, it drives me crazy that the topic of sex is avoided in discussions of mindfulness. If arousal is mentioned at all, it’s like a repeat of the bad advice we got in seventh-grade sex-ed class – sex is dirty, don’t think about it, nice meditators hang out in the mind, not the messy ole’ body. This leads to the confusion expressed by my student. But meditation is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip – it is about direct, embodied experience of what is occurring right now. And if right now you are making love, sexual pleasure can become a fabulous meditation object.
Practice the three-breath hug-embrace as though your souls are touchingSubscribe to Weekly Love Bytes
Would you rather be happy or right? Your partner is not wrong, just differentSubscribe to Weekly Love Bytes
Make sex your hobby – explore, learn, make time, and remember to forePLAYSubscribe to Weekly Love Bytes
Passion is friendship set on fireSubscribe to Weekly Love Bytes