June 21, 2018
I love to watch people touch the ones they love. When I witnessed the birth of my beloved friends’ daughter, the most poignant moment was watching the first-time father tear his shirt off and hold the minutes-old infant to his bare, receptive chest. Skin on skin, heart to heart. At our best, we intuitively use touch to span the distance between us. Two separate bodies and minds, me and you, become an “us” when we embrace. That which is broken—a promise, a skinned knee, even a heart—is coaxed toward fullness again in the incubator of a loved one’s arms.
Since touching each other brings a multitude of emotional, physical, and social health benefits you’d think we’d be cuddling all the time. Yet our culture is touch-deprived.Read more
May 5, 2018
Today I’m going to share a video with you about the three keys to passion and my top tips on how to keep things spicy, fun and romantic with your partner over the long term. The video will teach you about the 3 specific things you can do to re-ignite Passion with your Sweetheart. Click here to watch the video now.Read more
May 3, 2018
This morning I awoke feeling peaceful and happy. I smiled as I listened to the singing birds. Then I heard the revving of a garbage truck. Leaving. I turned toward the man I love and snapped, “Arg! You forgot to take the garbage out AGAIN didn’t you? You’re so lazy!” I jumped out of bed, grabbed the mutts and headed for the beach. I glowered at the overflowing trash cans, blaming them for not strolling to the curb. Then my angelic tufted-toed orange dog saw another canine. Instead of a wiggly hello, she barked and lunged. Like mother, like daughter.
Let’s face it. Sometimes, despite the hours logged on the cushion, despite the meditation retreats, and certainly despite our best intentions, we don’t handle relationship conflict well. I’ve written a lot about how mindfulness makes us better lovers. But can it make us better “fighters”?Read more
May 2, 2018
George was missing. The Disneyland hotel bed was crisply made but my sister’s security bear, loved and nuzzled into a sheepskin sphere with one weird glass eye, had vanished. A frantic call later, the smiling concierge appeared and placed a freshly laundered koala blob back into the waiting arms, and heart, of a tiny blonde girl. She slept, content, wrapped around her fuzzy friend.
It’s endearing, isn’t it, when a child needs a stuffed toy to feel safe. Until the tantrums start and the kid can’t calm themselves without it. We adults are no different. Hey, we all want to feel safe and secure. That’s why we fall in love. Except sometimes falling in love makes us feel scared, not safe, and we act like a nutcase—wracked with insecurity and fears. Why?Read more
May 1, 2018
Three days a week, I trot up the cement stairs that separate my home from my office. I switch on the kettle and check that the Kleenex box is full. Next, with the ocean reflecting blues and grays on the window, I sit with my palm on my heart and reflect on love and happiness. And then I welcome the first couple of the day.
“He never opens the car door for me anymore,” Desiree gripes. “Yah?” Scott huffs. “Well she says I can’t get a motorbike, and then yells because I don’t feel like some big anniversary party.” She shoots back, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” And so it begins.Read more
March 4, 2018
Love boredom runs rampant both outside and inside the bedroom. And while it seems like a mystery – how the thrill doesn’t last forever – there is a simple, and correctable, cause.
The romance didn’t pack its black lacey self up and crawl out the bedroom window – you stopped making loving effort. Your neglected romance got kicked into the corner of your closet, sharing space with the lonely unmatched socks who are missing their mates as much as you are missing yours. You lost that loving feeling because you got complacent.Read more
February 13, 2018
This Valentine’s Day Forget Chocolate – Practice Mindful Sex
Have you ever had an orgasm while meditating? One of my students reports that her inner peace sometimes comes with a side dish of Oh My! She worried that she was weird, and asked “isn’t mindfulness about, well, the mind? Why do I get turned on?” As a sex therapist and meditation teacher, it drives me crazy that the topic of sex is avoided in discussions of mindfulness. If arousal is mentioned at all, it’s like a repeat of the bad advice we got in seventh-grade sex-ed class – sex is dirty, don’t think about it, nice meditators hang out in the mind, not the messy ole’ body. This leads to the confusion expressed by my student. But meditation is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip – it is about direct, embodied experience of what is occurring right now. And if right now you are making love, sexual pleasure can become a fabulous meditation object.Read more
February 8, 2018
I’ve been divorced for over a year, and I find myself attracted to my best friend. He has been with me through thick and thin. All my girlfriends say “don’t do it!” Should I?Read more
December 12, 2017
Welcome back to another Video LoveByte where I answer your most burning Love and Relationship questions.
Today’s question comes from Tanya and she asks:
“What’s the number one thing that’s going to kill my mans desire for me?”
In this video I’ll share TWO of the biggest reasons why your partner may be feeling less horny towards you…and you toward him.
(This may surprise you)Read more
December 12, 2017
Q: I have always been able to have an orgasm when I masturbate, but I rarely come during intercourse. My husband wants us to have mutual orgasms and I feel like I am letting him down. Am I normal?
A: In a word,yes. The majority of women-research indicates up to 80% – cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone (or do so only occasionally). Listen up. Fewer than a quarter of women can come through thrusting alone; no matter how big his penis is, no matter how long he lasts, and no matter how you feel about him. The clitoris is the female sex organ; that is where the majority of the nerve endings that lead to orgasm are found. It is not located in the vagina, but outside and above it a few centimetres. When you touch yourself, you know exactly how hard or soft, slow or fast, to touch, and orgasms become easy. In most sexual positions with your partner, the penis does not provide adequate direct or indirect stimulation (pressure, rubbing) on the clitoris to lead to orgasm. Your hubby is frustrated that you don’t come together, but I suspect you are even more discouraged that you don’t come at all.Read more
Disagreements are inevitable, but couples must learn how to argue well, or at least do no lasting harm.
November 7, 2017
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages. Here’s my diagnosis… Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?Read more
October 10, 2017
Q: My husband is a naked kind of guy. I’d rather have the lights out and make love under cover. How can I get comfortable in my own skin?
A: You are not the first woman to confess that she can barely bare it all. We actually live in a fairly frigid culture, and I am not referring to the winters in Iqaluit. Despite the popularly bandied belief that sexualized media and prolific pornography indicate an ease with all things sexual, at heart North America is still more Victorian than Victoria Secret. Sure, fashions and attitudes have changed dramatically; our great grandmothers would have been scandalized if a sister flashed too much ankle, and now our daughters flaunt cleavage, belly-button jewelry, and visible underwear everywhere. However, rapid social change is an external phenomenon. Internally and psychologically, many women have not kept pace. After all, for our generation “thongs” were rubber sandals. We may wish to feel comfortable flaunting our erotic selves, but we still carry some of the old embarrassment in our DNA. In other words, even liberated women can feel pretty uptight.Read more
September 25, 2017
So you’re in a relationship and you’ve got doubts… you ask yourself:
“Am I with the right person? How do I know if they’re my soul mate?”
A lot of you asked a variation of this question and in today’s video I’m going to answer this as well as debunk one of the greatest myths of our time. The myth of the soulmate.
I’m also going to share a little exercise you can use right away to help you gain some clarity and quickly figure out if you’re with the right person in under 5 minutes.Read more
September 25, 2017
Q: This summer was great; my husband and I camped, played golf, and had a lot more sex. Now that we are returning to the daily grind I’m afraid we will slide back to making love once a month. How can I keep us connected?
A: It sounds like you experienced the vacation fling phenomenon: couples needing to get away in order to get it on. The ingredients are simple: take away work demands, interrupt daily routine, create time and space, and have fun exploring new things. Mix together and voila, we get two relaxed happy people who want to play. And making love should be play, not work.Read more
September 15, 2017
Q – After an unexpected divorce and two years of healing, I am ready to be in another relationship. But I have not been on a “date” since my teens! At 47, can I really find love on the internet?
A – In a word, yes. Marriages that began as a click on an internet profile are increasingly common. Why? Because adults today tend to have a limited social world, at least in terms of old fashioned face-to-face contact. We work, we parent, we see our girlfriends, and we don’t get out for anything else. We watch movies at home, we bank and order groceries on the computer, and we send texts rather than talk. Tangled in the World Wide Web, we seem more connected but are more isolated than ever. So how’s a girl ever gonna meet a guy? Forget the cute outfit honey; get thee to thy keyboard. Introducing your new matchmaker; your laptop.Read more
September 5, 2017
Q – How can I get my sex life back after the birth of my next child? Our daughter is 4, and we joke about “before Lola and after Lola” in terms of how becoming parents seemed to kill our passion. Now we are preparing for number two, and I am afraid we’ll never make love again.
A – Well, mommy, you are stuck between being a parent and being a Lover. Research shows that the greatest drop in marital satisfaction comes after the birth of the first child. (from research by John Gottman, Seattle Marital Institute, quoted in his books) How sad that something as wonderful as parenthood can deeply undermine the loving bond a couple had before there were three. Kids can kill not only your sex life, but your Lover life. Being a Lover is an active process; a verb, not a noun. You both need to cultivate passion and intimacy – it is not going to just show up when you are in the middle of breastfeeding and burping, hockey practice and homework.Read more
August 29, 2017
Q – I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks who is great on paper. We both love to travel and our kids are similar ages. but I am a little ashamed to say that he is not my physical type. Can love work without chemistry?
A – It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Unfortunately, when it comes to dating, many potentially epic love affairs end before they start simply because we don’t like how he looks. Let me ask you this – if you were blind, would you find him attractive? Many people confuse good looks with attraction, and they are not the same. Sure, we turn our heads when a hunky man swaggers by, but if we talk to him he can quickly plummet from prince to toad -hot outside and empty inside. Alternatively, a guy with crooked teeth and a bit of a paunch can reveal confidence and playfulness that slide him into our heart, and into our bed.Read more
July 31, 2017
All couples argue. The question is, are you simply a fiery emotional pair? Think about those movie scenes where she yells at him, he shouts back that he won’t put up with this anymore, and suddenly they’re kissing passionately. If this is you, disagreement may be your idea of foreplay. But be careful; sticks and stones break bones, but sometimes words really can scar souls and break marriages.
Here’s my diagnosis: Your fights are healthy if they are infrequent, brief and—despite raised voices and heated words—end up in a resolution where both of you feel loved and heard…and then maybe even have great make-up sex. Your fights are unhealthy if they often involve name-calling or threats to end the relationship, or if they are not resolved and leave one of you feeling frustrated or wronged. In essence, does the fight bring you closer, or push you apart?Read more
July 25, 2017
February 27, 2017
What’s the dumbest argument you’ve ever had with a partner? Mine happened in a little blue convertible, driving to my former boyfriend’s cabin. We were in love, but we clashed often. We stopped for ice cream, and he brought me the wrong flavor. I complained loudly, he fired back. Then he reached over, took the sundae, and threw it out of the moving car. I stared at him in open-mouthed shock. Then I clearly saw how our discontented minds caused the harsh words and deeds. In that moment I had a choice. I could keep criticizing, or I could contact my heart. So I laughed, he relaxed, and I pledged to learn to fight fair.
Sure, I am a love expert now, but the truth is, I used to have tumultuous relationships. I mistook tantrums for passion. As for make up sex? Overrated.Read more
February 3, 2017
Valentine’s Day—a sweet sexy reminder to wow your mate with passion and appreciation, or a Hallmark holiday that pressures you to cough up romance on demand? Your response to this single-item test is telling. Sure, it’s easy to be cynical on February 14 and ignore the whole thing, or grab a random card because if you don’t your partner pouts until spring. But if you see only the superficialities, you are missing the possibilities. For love itself is…well, great, and celebrating is not cliché. So this year, instead of refusing to participate, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love mindfully.
My granddad Norman was great at mindful loving. He first laid his sparkling blue eyes on my petite blonde grandmother Evelyn at a Valentine’s dance.Read more
October 4, 2016
Shaun Cassidy, teen singing idol and one of TV’s sexy Hardy Boys, was my soulmate. There I was clad in the kilt and knee socks of a private school girl, lusting over this blue-eyed heartthrob and completely convinced we would fall in love. He would meet my deepest desires (and based on the surprisingly explicit fantasies I penned starring him and me, those desires needed meeting). When he whisked me away to his Beverly Hills mansion I would know and be known. Mated at the soul level, I would never feel alone again.
Turns out Shaun was not my soulmate.Read more
September 25, 2016
It’s a funny thing about couples and travel. Currently, I’m on a smooth flight to New Orleans, but last night my beloved man and I narrowly escaped an emotional plane crash. Mindful Loving averted an argument that could have left both of us hurt, stewing, and disconnected for our whole week apart. What happened? Unexpected work issues made him 2 hours late for our last night together. I’d been looking forward to our romantic romp all day, and when I got his text 20 minutes after I’d expected him to walk through the door saying he still an hour away I flooded with negative emotion. And then I called him (which was a very bad idea). I let him know I was angry and hurt, and I didn’t use my nice psychologist voice. But then a miracle occurred. Instead of escalating the turbulence, I suddenly paused and said “I don’t want to fight. I’m going to hang up now and see you in a bit”. Why? Because I’ve seen this pre-flight movie way too many times before. And it doesn’t have a happy ending.Read more
September 15, 2016
Q – I want my mate to meditate. He’s a great partner in many ways, but we don’t fit philosophically. I teach mindfulness to at-risk youth and he is a high-stakes investment guy. I keep asking him to join me on the cushion, but he says it isn’t for him. How can I change his mind?
A – Since cave-boy first met cave-girl, partners have been trying to change each other. If only he or she liked dinosaur-knuckle stew, or would enjoy those William Shakespeare plays with me, or wanted to adopt a parrot. Or would learn to meditate. Sigh. So much relationship misery is caused by our attempts to fix our mate. But beware of the insidious if only. This thinking points to the fatal flaw in the scramble to live a pain-free life. It has an inherent assumption that sets you up for suffering – If only the one I love would change, then I would be happy.Read more
August 10, 2016
I was never one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day. I was an independent tomboy who spent my time wrangling horses and existential angst. As a young woman I called marriage “The M Word”. Then I walked into a play reading and an incorrigible green-eyed actor took one look at me and proclaimed to his friend “I’m going to marry that woman”. A year later we eloped to Greece.Read more
May 4, 2016
If you want to have sex more often, meditate. Say what?! The image of a stoic, cross-legged person suddenly leaping up, tearing off their comfy clothes and tackling their stunned (yet probably delighted) partner isn’t exactly commonly associated with mindfulness. Well, perhaps it’s time to change that. The proposed effects of meditation on the body and the mind have implications for both your interest in making love and your sexual pleasure itself. So that weekend silent retreat or weekly MBSR class can improve your sex life, if you want it to.Read more
May 2, 2016
My best friend Lori, whom I met in a Scottish highland dancing class when we were nine years old, has a strange hobby. She runs 100-mile ultra marathons in the mountains. For fun. I know, crazy, right? Because I’m the sane one, my hobby is to train my dog, or perhaps she trains me, in agility. That’s where my leopard-spotted rescue mutt joyfully runs through tunnels and zooms over teeter-totters while I puff to keep up. Another hobby is my love life. That’s where I train my sweetie, or perhaps he trains me, in all things sensual and connective. We learn new communication techniques, we make time for lovemaking (which occasionally involves a teeter-totter or puffing to keep up), and we plan romantic adventures together.
But wait. Can your love life be a hobby? You bet it can.Read more
February 7, 2016
People often ask me what sex and meditation have to do with each other. A lot! I want to holler. But since my meditation teacher side is not supposed to holler, I calmly explain that mindfulness is not meant to be a disconnected head-trip. In addition to mind, we are to embody fullness by bringing rapt attention to all five senses. Then my noisier sex therapist side chimes in that we do have a naked body under those yoga clothes, and that it would be a shame to waste it. Which brings us to mindful loving.
Imagine meditating on something as simple as a raisin. Truly see its wrinkly beauty, smell vineyards and sunlight, caress it with your tongue, hear a slight sigh as you bite down, and taste the flood of sweet textured release. Mmm. Well, you just made love with that raisin.Read more
September 21, 2015
You are sitting on your meditation cushion, at one with your breath. You feel good—mindfulness is working! Right here right now there is nothing more interesting than this very moment.
Suddenly you hear a voice you know so well, asking for the hundredth time “Honey, have you seen my keys?” You now spend your time wondering was this man, who counts picking up the car from the mechanic as a date, this woman, who forgets to feed the cat but knows the plot of every reality TV show, really once the most fascinating person in the world?Read more
September 13, 2015
Q I am in my 30’s and just went on a date with a really great guy, the first good one I’ve met in a long time. But I’m not sure if he is “The One”. I don’t want to settle if he isn’t my Soulmate. Am I being too picky?
A Sometimes I think the women of the world should file a class-action lawsuit against Mr. Walt Disney. Why? Because even 78 years after the movie Snow White hit the big screen, generations of little girls weaned on princess movies still truly believe someday their Prince will come. And any guy who isn’t everything she ever dreamed of gets booted straight into the frog-pond.
And don’t fool yourself into thinking the Soulmate myth is only held by little girls. Male or female, gay straight or bi, most of us are walking around seeking the perfect mate. Wake up people. There is no such thing as a “Soulmate”. No human can live up to the picture that you have created in your head.Read more
July 2, 2015
The other day I gave in to a junk food craving. After a day of clean eating – kale smoothies, quinoa vegetarian chili, fresh fruit – a little voice said “come on, you know you want to” and I was seduced. Before I knew it I was munching on balsamic and pepper kettle chips and nuclear-orange cheesies. The next morning I woke up feeling bloated and unpleasant. Hmm, no kidding. Like my Granny often said, Garbage In, Garbage Out.
So how does my lapse in compassionate eating relate to mindfulness practice? Well, for both mind and body, you are what you eat. What we consume mentally influences how the mind feels –Read more
June 17, 2015
Q: I’m a wife, mother, and bank manager and these days I feel like I am failing at all of it. I meditate each morning and do yoga, but I’m still tired, stressed and cranky and I drop more balls than I catch. Why am I so lousy at having it all?
A: You can have it all, providing the “all” includes a nervous breakdown. Forget life-work balance. Whoever came up with that concept needs to straddle a see-saw for a few moments and discover that a balancing act is inherently precarious, exhausting, and impossible to maintain. Many female patients come to me for help with anxiety and exhaustion. They are wracked with guilt that they can’t find time to make homemade cupcakes for the school bake sale because they have a year-end report to write.Read more
April 14, 2015
I used to date a man who had old world manners to accompany his old world charm. He always held the door for me, both in the world of walking and when we rode in a car. When I complimented him on this, he told a story of his best friend whose boyfriend repeatedly complained that she slammed the car door when she got into his passenger seat. She asked my then boyfriend – “so is he right? Do I slam the door when I ride with you?” My friend smiled and replied “have you ever touched your own door handle around me?” And she realized she hadn’t. When she rode with him, he opened the door, waited patiently until she was settled inside, and then closed it, softly, behind her. No slamming involved.Read more
March 23, 2015
Tantra is a Sanskrit word that means “woven together”. Buddhist meditation practitioners use sexual union as a metaphor for weaving the physical together with the spiritual; weaving man to woman, and humankind to the divine. Sexual Tantra is a form of sacred sexuality in which a couple shares slow, non-orgasmic intercourse as a prelude to an experience of bliss and emptiness. So yes, Tantric sex is an erotic practice that you and your partner can explore. But remember, the purpose is to become enlightened, not to win an Olympic medal for carnal gymnastics.Read more
March 11, 2015
So you saw the movie Fifty Shades of Gray, and it turned you on. Now you find yourself fantasizing more often. You are wondering whether it is normal to be so stimulated by the idea of your man telling you what to do in bed. Well, welcome to the world of sexual fantasy. Yes, it is normal to fantasize…Read more
December 3, 2014
So there I was, looking for truth at the foot of the Himalayas, dodging soccer playing little-boy monks as I chased the wicked monkey who had swiped the last bit of gourmet chocolate from my windowsill (stupidly left unlatched by this naïve Canadian seeker), and the big wisdom coming down on me was – wow, I should have had less yak butter tea, because it’s freaking cold and I badly need to pee. And the outhouse is halfway down the rickety monastery staircase. Next to a pig. And all I really want to do is get to the delusionally-named internet café (one desk one monolithic computer one dial-up line and no coffee) so I can commune with the toe-curlingly wonderful man back home that I am falling in love with.
If that isn’t a how did I get here moment, I don’t know what is. So here’s how.Read more